ABCD, Part One

Writing Class Week One

Preamble: I will write an ABCDerian piece in the first person that seems to focus on food, but the focus will really be on the narrator’s struggles with depression and OCD.

A is for Arugula

What is arugula, anyway? It’s a salad green, but is it one of the bland ones or one of the bitter ones that tastes like garbage, but you eat it anyway because it supposedly has antioxidants? How much am I supposed to suffer in the name of antioxidants? What has oxygen done that is so bad?

B is for Banana

I’m proud that I’m a regular banana-eater, because bananas are healthy. However, sometimes I don’t go food shopping like I’m supposed to, because I’m too nervous, and I have to do without them for a few days, and I think “What is wrong with me that I can’t even keep a bunch of bananas in the house?” We also run out of milk but for some reason I don’t beat myself up about that. Milk is for chumps.

C is for Chocolate OR Cheesecake

For most of my life, C has clearly been for chocolate. But lately I’ve developed a passion for cheesecake and I don’t know what to do with it. I want to try all the varieties of cheesecake at The Cheesecake Factory and so far I have tried…two. It looks like this is going to be a long-term project, especially if I want to continue fitting into my pants. Sometimes I think that if the devil gave me a choice of sacrificing someone’s life in exchange for the ability to eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight, I would take him up on the deal. Hopefully it would be a bad person like Vladmir Putin or something, I wouldn’t sacrifice an innocent child for cheesecake…probably.

Ah hell, I just realized that C could also be for Coffee. C is way too powerful.

D is for Donut

It’s supposed to be spelled “doughnut,” but thanks to Dunkin’ Donuts the shorter spelling has become acceptable. I wonder how we determine that? At what point do the linguists weigh in and say, “Okay you lazy bastards, you can use the shorter spelling now”? And if there’s a committee of linguists that does that, where are they on “nitch” vs. “niiche?

E is for Eggplant Parmigiana

We live a five-minute walk from a place that sells dynamite eggplant parmigiana, and I should take advantage of that more often. There’s also a Latina bakery across the street, which has been there for months and I still haven’t gone in. I guess I’m afraid it will be too awkward because I don’t speak Spanish, which is ridiculous because even if I haven’t gotten that far with Duolingo yet, my money is still green and they should be keen to that, but I’m still scared. Maybe I can just say “Yo quiero tu comida?”

F is for Farro

I made a dish called “Butternut Squash Farroto,” which was like a risotto except you exchanged the grain, farro, for the rice. It was delicious, and I hope HelloFresh has that recipe again. Cooking every night is the one decent thing I am still able to do for my family.

G is for Gum

I usually chew one piece of gum per day, but I’m not sure if I should log it in my calorie-logging app. They say it’s under 5 calories, but is that really true? That sweetness comes from somewhere, and I’m supposed to be logging everything I eat, because that’s the stupid assignment I gave myself, but does gum really count? After all, I’m not swallowing it.

This question haunts my waking hours.

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